


Sweet, Not Salty

by OneOddKitteh



Series: Sweet Not Salty [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Apocalypse, Angst, Blow Jobs, Comfort, Comfort Food, Cute Gabriel, Dean and Sam fight, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gabriel Lives, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt Gabriel, Lollipops, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, Pancakes, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Self Harm, Shopping, Showers, Sleepy Cuddles, Sleepy Kisses, Sugar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-25 00:03:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOddKitteh/pseuds/OneOddKitteh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world is saved and Sam, for the life of him, can't get Gabriel to stop crying.</p>
<p>You know; because he just got back from the dead and killed his two older brothers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Cry for a Shadow"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelivenantium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelivenantium/gifts).



> I wrote this, lost nearly all of it and had to re-write it. But it is multi-chapter, so yay me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world is saved and Sam, for the life of him, can't get Gabriel to stop crying.
> 
> You know; because he just got back from the dead and killed his two older brothers.

 

**_Staring at the bottom of your glass_ **

**_Hoping one day you'll make a dream last_ **

**_But dreams come slow and they go so fast_ **

**_You see her when you close your eyes_ **

**_Maybe one day you'll understand why_ **

**_Everything you touch surely dies_ **

“Let Her Go” - Passenger

 

Sam squeezed Cas' shoulder comfortingly, staring into the flames. Killing a brother was something he didn't want to imagine. Or remember. Even the thought made him sick. He kept his eyes averted from the mourning angels and hunters alike around him; most staring blankly into the fire or at the ground anyway. Dean appeared beside him, tapping him on the shoulder gently.

"He needs you, Sammy," he said softly.

It may have been the only time Sam had seen Dean show sympathy to Gabriel. Ever. With a last pat, Sam moved away from the grieving angel. Dean would have to take care of him. Dean would take care of him; better care than Sam ever could. Love did that. Not that Dean had grown the balls to admit it to himself, or to tell Castiel, of course.

Sam turned to face the edge of the clearing, forcing himself away from the comfort of the funeral pyre. Funny, how something so gruesome could be so warm. His eyes slid across the edge of the trees until he found who he was looking for. The archangel was standing stiffly on the edge of the dark; just a silhouetted shadow in the darkness. The light of the fire just reached his face enough to cast sinister shadows. The others in the clearing, hunters and angels alike, almost avoided him. Sam decided that he understood. He'd be scared too, of the avenging angel that they'd seen, if he hadn't also seen the shock on his face. Crossing the gap in a few strides, Sam paused in front of the shorter being.

Gabriel didn't look up. He just stood, staring at the fire. At the hunters, the angels, the way they mourned their dead. The way they mourned them like he couldn't mourn his brothers.

"Gabriel," Sam didn't get any further with his original sentence, just sighing. "I'm sorry."

The archangel lifted haunted eyes to meet his. They stood silently for a few seconds, Gabe just staring him down. Acting like he didn't look as if he was about to throw up. As if he hadn't just-

"Don't even finish that thought." Gabriel snarled.

It was the first thing he'd said since they took away Lucifer’s body. Sam hated how the memory took over his brain before he could even think.

 

_Gabriel was silent among the crowd, shoulders down as he glared at the blood on his hands. Everyone seemed to part around him, avoiding their own saviour. He still crackled with the energy of his rage. They hadn't thought he'd help; Sam hadn't expected him to. He'd already died once for them. But just when it'd looked like there was no hope, he'd appeared with a scream of Enochian that nearly burst eardrums and holy light half blinding everyone. Sam felt the sensation of wings wrapping around him, and Castiel's scream of 'Close your eyes!' was something he just automatically obeyed. He'd managed to take in the frozen image of Dean curling into Cas' chest, and of Gabe, standing taller than his barely 5'8” as he confronted the two fighting archangels._

_When the holy light faded, it left the hunters around him stunned and half-blind, but Sam could see him. He only had eyes for Gabriel, crouched over his brother’s body as Lucifer smiled up at him with Nick’s face, stroking his cheek gently. The fallen angel's lips moved as though imparting a secret to his younger brother. It was only Sam that heard the anguish in Gabriel's voice as he murmured back._

_"Why'd you do it, why'd you make me do it?" he whimpered over and over._

_They had to physically drag him away from the body, leaving him to his grief. Sam just watched numbly as they took away Michael, his vessel’s face eerily like their father’s, blood staining the empty vessel's clothes like it stained Gabriel. He'd been allowed to touch him then for a few precious seconds as he helped him up and let his hands guide the smaller man away from his other brothers' lifeless vessel._

 

And Gabe flinched, suddenly looking a lot smaller and a lot less scary. Oh. Sam had just probably violently attacked him with the visual. Gabriel's eyes squeezed shut and his breathing skipped breathless and went straight to hyperventilation. Oh God. Sam knew panic attacks too well. Or breakdowns. Whatever. This was an archangel breakdown, what the fuck was he meant to do? Pat his shoulder? Horrified at what he'd done and not really appreciating the curious, slightly damning looks the hunters were shooting the angel, Sam reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

"Gabe. Breathe." Sam said softly.

The angel opened shiny golden eyes and stared at the hunter. Sam could feel his heart thrumming at the pulse point his thumb rested on. Without a thought he slid his hand to the back of Gabriel's neck, stroking the soft hair gently.

"Breathe, Gabriel. You need to breathe."

Gabriel opened his mouth just to close it again.

"Sammy," he whispered as his knees gave out and he crumpled in a heap.

 The hunter instinctively slipped his free hand around Gabe's waist, lowering him gently to the ground where he cradled him protectively. The archangel's small vessel just made him look all the more like a kid as he cried, hands clenched tight in Sam's shirt, blood transferring as if it was freshly spilled. He was sniffling into Sam's chest, shaking like a leaf. Sam hushed him, murmuring comforting nonsense. Things he wouldn't remember later, things that in any other situation he'd be embarrassed to say.

Sam didn't realize he was crying with the angel until a tear rolled down his cheek. His fingers mindlessly stroked the soft caramel hair, pointlessly trying to keep a rhythm.

He could feel the eyes of the crowd on his back as he sat on his knees, adjusting the angel on his lap and burying his face in his neck. The angels avoided Gabriel like the plague, and the hunters didn't trust him as far as they could throw him. Which admittedly wouldn't be far in the first place. He was thankful though, that they couldn't see his own face. Because he'd mourned like this before, mourned people he loved, dead for his cause. Mourned the angel himself, in private.  Gabriel, the one who used to visit in his dreams.

A light tap on his shoulder barely distracted his focus from comforting Gabriel. Dean crouched down beside him, careful not to touch either of them, leaving their little bubble intact.

"Sammy, Cas says we need to go. More demons are coming and we can't afford another fight tonight. You and Gabriel need to come with us. He's not together enough to fly, ok?"

Sam could see his point. Gabriel was clutching him like a kid attached to his mom in a mall. He smiled up at his brother. It was strained and fake, and Dean could tell, but for once he said nothing, just patted Sam awkwardly and walked away. Thank God for small mercies.

He sat there cradling the archangel for a few more moments, before talking.

 "Gabriel, I'm going to pick you up, ok?"

Gabriel’s only response was to slide his arms up and around the human’s neck, not lifting his head from Sam's chest. Sam took it as a yes, and gently manipulated Gabriel's legs around his waist so he could stand. As he shifted Gabriel tightened his grip even more, arms and legs attaching him to the taller man so well that Sam couldn't have put him down if he tried.

Walking towards the path back to the Impala proved what Sam had always thought. Gabe was heavier than he looked. Maybe it was something to do with shoving an archangel in a package so small, but he weighed a ton. Those few remaining of the crowd parted to let him through, eyeing the angel warily. He glared at anyone that dared to open their mouths. Gabe had sacrificed himself for their world, and then been brought back only to have to kill his brothers. Sam would not let them hurt him.

"Sam. I think it best that you sit with Gabriel in the back seat," Castiel murmured gently as he appeared beside him, keeping up with the hunter easily. "He needs a-" He paused with a frown, before restarting the sentence. "He needs you right now. He chose you for comfort, and recovering from something like this will take a while. Will you take this responsibility?"

Sam took one look at the seriousness in Cas' eyes, and nodded. It wasn't like he could just let the angel pine to death. His arms tightened around Gabriel at the very thought.

As Sam slid into the Impala, Gabe shifted to curl up in his lap, finally raising his head to look at him. Childlike and lost, his eyes brushed over Sam's face like a touch. He suddenly lifted a hand to Sam's cheek, stroking it gently. Oh. He'd noticed the wetness there. The sad eyes clenched shut and the angel curled up again.

Sam just held him tighter for the rest of the ride.


	2. "Hold Me Tight"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is covered in blood, sweat and Gabriel. 
> 
> Showering is significantly stranger when you're with a naked archangel that refuses to let go of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating sooner! I blame sleep deprivation for making me really procrastinatey!

 

_**Would you catch me if I fall** _  
_**Out of what I fell in** _  
_**Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again** _  
_**I don't want to run away from this** _  
_**I know that I just don't need this** _

"Somewhere In Between" - Lifehouse

   

Gabriel’s grip on Sam didn’t become a problem until he actually had to try and get the door of their room open without dropping him. He struggled with the door for nearly a minute before Dean lost patience and grabbed the key from him.

“Idiot. Just ask for help next time,” he muttered.

Sam sighed, shifting his grip on the dead weight in his arms. Dean was the most emotionally stunted dick he could have possibly ended up with as a brother. God, he loved him. Though it took life and death situations for Dean to actually show it, Sam knew that it was the little things. Like opening the door for him when he had in his arms an angel that was heavy as fuck. 

He eyed the room distastefully but walked in after Castiel. It was just large enough to fit two double beds, a tiny kitchenette and a couch in front of the TV. Sam was kind of really, really tired of small spaces. A small snuffle in his arms reminded him of what was more important than shitty motel rooms.

“C’mon Gabe,” he murmured as he took a step towards the bed. “I gotta put you down, ok?”

He actually was not expecting the growl. Like, at all. Maybe a protest, but a growl? More like a whimper, if he was being honest to himself. He heard Dean’s huff of laughter as he yanked some clothes from his backpack and walked straight into the bathroom. Lucky bastard would get to wash off the blood. It probably wouldn’t be practical for him to shower while Gabriel was clinging to him.

“He can’t be away from you right now,” Castiel warned gently from his side. “He latched on to the first person he trusted. His grace has shut down to little more than that of a fledgling. If he throws a tantrum, I don’t even want to think about what would happen.”

Sam froze, looking down at the head tucked into his chest in a whole new light.

“You mean grief can do that to an angel?”

Cas’ face took on that look he always got when explaining something. Serious as fuck and kinda just waiting for Dean to protest.

“Humans do it, too. You call it regressing to childhood due to trauma. Like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Gabriel, though… If he starts to panic, if he doesn’t have you grounding him, his grace will lash out. And the last time that happened… Well, it’s lucky that angels are rarely affected greatly by traumatic  events.” Castiel shuddered visibly.

“What happened?” Sam asked curiously, deciding to sit on the bed with Gabriel in his lap.

He shuffled his way back up the bed, practically dragging the smaller body with him. Maybe Gabriel’s new limpet-like tendencies were going to come in handy after all. He stretched back and let the monkey settle on his chest, arms stretched around his waist now. It was like having an extra limb stuck to his chest, Sam mused. Castiel yanked over a chair from the kitchen table and sat on it comfortably.

Sam had to grin. He’d come so far from the angel that never seemed to know how to move. He gave Castiel his attention.

“Most recently was around 1815 in your human recordings. Someone…” Castiel hesitated, looking at Gabriel sadly. “Someone thought they sensed Gabriel. This angel, he was upset, to say the least. Ninety two thousand humans died. Of course by the time anyone else believed him and looked for Gabriel, he wasn’t around anymore.

Sam gulped, hugging the archangel closer. If that was a regular angel tantrum, who knows what a post-traumatic breakdown would be like. Gabriel suddenly lifted his body up and out of Sam’s grasp. He sat up, legs straddling Sam’s stomach. Without making eye contact with the hunter, he turned to Castiel and rasped out something quiet in Enochian. Sam vaguely recognised the name they used for Raphael, and he stiffened a little underneath Gabriel. Cas winced, but nodded.

The full body shudder that wracked Gabriel terrified Sam. He’d seen the angel cry before, seen him yell, and seen him scared. But this was something new. Something broken. Grabbing onto the smaller body’s shoulders, Sam pulled him closer and sat up, letting Gabriel rest his head on the crook of Sam’s neck again.

“Everyone makes mistakes, Gabriel.” He knew Cas could hear him, but he whispered anyway. “Look at me. At what I’ve done. You’re way older than I am, and I’ve still managed to fuck up just as much, if not more. I opened Hell, for God’s sake!”

It wasn’t the most comforting thing to say. Yet Gabriel surprised both of the others, it seemed, by squeezing Sam tight for a few brief seconds. To be honest, Sam thought to himself tiredly, he wasn’t sure which of them Gabriel was trying to comfort with that. It was at that moment, that Dean astounded them all by coming out of the bathroom in less than ten minutes, hair still damp. Sam gaped at his brother, shocked.

“Thought you two would want to clean up,” he said gruffly with a nod towards Sam and his angel.

His angel. Sam stopped that thought immediately and vowed to never even go there again. Instead, he focused on the other two in the room. Standing up, he quickly accepted, sidling past Castiel awkwardly. He was glad he was going to be out of the room: the way Castiel stared at Dean was way too “I want to fuck you up against the wall” for Sam’s taste.

“Thanks, Dean,” he said softly. “Just don’t jump Cas while you’re alone, hmm?” 

Sam smirked at the flushing angel across the room and ducked into the bathroom before Dean could throw something at him. Something hit the door hard as he closed it, and he huffed a laugh, adjusting Gabriel on his hips a little as he turned around and surveyed the tiny-ass bathroom.

“We’re going for takeout,” Sam heard his older brother say through the door. “We’ll bring you back some stuff.”

With a grunt of assent, Sam suddenly realized he had a problem. There was an archangel attached to him, and he had to shower them both. Showering meant nudity. It meant Gabriel being naked. Dry-mouthed, he stood rooted to the spot. Problem.

If Sam was being honest, he’d had a slight crush on Gabe since they’d first met him in Ohio. Admittedly, that had kinda sucked, because the sarcastic janitor with the fucking _amazing_ eyes had ended up being a trickster and gave him a few nasty bruises. And this was the bastard who’d messed with Sam’s laptop. Then he’d turned out to be a right asshole as an archangel and there was the whole thing with him killing Dean a few too many times. But beside all of that, Gabriel was cute as all hell and Sam was going to have to actually undress him and _oh God Gabriel could hear what he was thinking._

 “S’ok, Sammy,” Gabriel whispered, his lips twisting into a smile that Sam could feel through his shirt. “I thought you were pretty cute, too, for a Samsquatch.”

Sam let out a snort of laughter. The angel really was full of surprises. When Kali had suggested they try and bring him back from the dead, Sam had nearly choked on his sandwich, but he’d immediately looked forward to seeing the irritating ball of energy again. He'd found the angel fascinating, strange, and uncomfortably attractive. And then he died.

“Are we going to stand here forever, or are we getting clean?” Gabe rasped out again, voice ridiculously raw.

It seemed screaming wrecked his vocal chords just like it did anyone else’s. Sam stored the information away for a later time.

“Sorry,” he huffed with a gentle smirk. “I forgot how impatient you are for an angel.”

Sam was just about to put him on his own feet when Gabriel _bit him._ _Bit him through his shirt!_

“Just hurry up and shower me, Winchester.”

Gabriel snapped his fingers awkwardly behind Sam’s neck, folding their clothes across the other side of the room. Well, if having a traumatized archangel hanging off him wasn’t weird enough, then a naked, male archangel just about topped everything.

“Chicken?” The scratchy voice mocked again.

Sam didn’t point out how the angel sounded like he’d been crying and screaming for the past week straight. He definitely didn’t point out how Gabe was trembling when he finally unwound his legs from around Sam’s waist or how he clutched at Sam’s shoulders like a man clutching a lifeboat. And seeing as he valued his life, he didn’t point out that it wasn’t the first time he’d seen the other man naked. Instead he guided Gabriel to the shower, one arm ready to catch the archangel if he tripped.

“I’m not fucking fragile,” Gabriel muttered sullenly.

Rolling his eyes, Sam just adjusted the water temperature until they could step in. Gabriel flinched as the water hit his face; jerked back as though it stung. His eyes clouded over as he whimpered, dropping to the floor of the shower and cowering with his back pressed into the tiles. _Shit. Again?_

Sam’s heart plummeted, watching the angel shrink back into himself. Dropping to his knees, Sam could hardly hear what he was saying over Gabriel’s mindless pleas to “please don’t do this, don’t make me do this”.

Sam’s hair dripped into his face as he tried to pull the angel out of whatever hell he believed he’d fallen into. It reminded him sickeningly of another place, and he had to wonder if this was what Dean had seen. If Dean had had to watch this while _he_ was locked in the panic room.

“Gabriel!” He finally yelled, hands cupping the tear streaked face.

Leaning over the smaller body, he made sure no water was hitting Gabriel’s face. He was practically pressing his whole body into Gabriel, but that wasn’t important. Not exactly the most practical moment to get side-tracked by how much he’d enjoy this in nearly any other situation.

“Gabriel, focus on my voice,” he found himself saying calmly over the keening. “It’s not real, Gabriel; this is real, I’m real, you’re ok. I need you to breathe.”

He kept repeating it, reaching blindly out of the shower to grab a dry washcloth. He gently wiped the spray off Gabriel’s face, not letting one second go by without his voice combatting Gabriel’s. The soft fabric seemed to shock Gabriel into reality, his eyes beginning to focus on Sam. His wretched sobs softened into hiccups as he dug his fingers hard into Sam’s shoulder.

“That’s it, Gabe, I’m here. It’s not real; I’m here. It’s ok.”

Those finger marks were going to leave bruises. But Gabe’s breathing was steadily slowing down as he came back to where he was.

“Do you want me to clean you up?” Sam murmured gently, thumb still stroking the angel’s cheek softly. “I’m not going to leave you alone, I’m not going to let anything hurt you, but I need to get you clean.”

Gabriel didn’t move. He sat quietly as Sam slowly reached behind him again, coming back with the motel’s shampoo. When he had to look away from the angel’s eyes, he began to talk again. It was just reassuring bullshit, but it took away the silence in the gaps of Gabriel’s soft hiccups.

Sam sighed as he drew his fingers gently through the blood matted into Gabriel’s hair. Taking responsibility for an archangel was going to be _hard._

Pun definitely not intended.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute cuddles is coming soon, I promise! Hang in there if you're not a fan of panic attacks and things.


	3. “I’m So Tired”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel has a nightmare, and for once in his life Sam doesn't sleep through everything important.

  
 

  ** _And I find it kind of funny_**

**_I find it kind of sad_ **

**_The dreams in which I'm dying_ **

**_Are the best I've ever had_ **

Mad World – Gary Jules

 

Things were strange even with the apocalypse prevented. Demons were creating chaos everywhere, killing each other just as often as killing humans. People lived in fear of the mass killings happening around the world, and for all the hunters and non-assholic angels left, it was one hell of a clean-up job. Finding a lie that would stick with the civilians was nearly impossible, and Dean had wished out loud for one of the flashy things from MIB on more than one occasion. Even Castiel was full of complaints, utterly sick of the ‘ridiculous political nonsense’ that he had to deal with in heaven. Apparently fair trials weren’t a big thing with angels. Personally, Sam was just grateful that his only job for the time being was taking care of Gabriel.

The archangel was slowly improving, even deigning to take a lollipop Dean had offered to him a week after the fight. Sure, he’d already been eating if Sam gave him food, but that was different. He did things for Sam, sometimes Castiel. To trust Dean had been a big thing. After that first conversation with Castiel he hadn’t spoken unless alone with the younger hunter; even when they were alone, he’d hardly moved from Sam’s lap. He still had panic attacks if Sam let him get his face wet in the shower, or if someone raised their voice too much, or even sometimes for what seemed like no reason at all. But he _was_ improving. At least, Sam thought so.

 

Three weeks after the fight, Sam woke up suddenly. The room they were still based in was full of oppressive darkness, and it took a minute for him to realize what had woken him. Gabriel was trembling in his arms, quiet sobs wracking his whole body. The angel had slept spooned into Sam’s chest each night, despite Dean’s gentle teasing, but this was new.

“Gabe?” He whispered gently, propping himself up on one elbow.

A hitch in Gabriel’s breath was the only indication he’d heard. Sam blew a few strands of hair out of his face before he spoke again.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”

Well that was an endearment he hadn’t used seriously since Jessica. Gabriel still didn’t speak, shaking with the force of his tears. With a small sigh, Sam reached around and hauled the angel over onto his other side, so they were face to face. The hunter, still half asleep, pulled Gabe into his chest and wrapped his arms around him completely, adjusting the blanket over both their shoulders. They lay for a little while in near silence, the darkness adding a level of comfort to the embrace.

“I keep seeing it, Sammy,” Gabriel finally whispered. “Every night, I can’t sleep because I dream. It’s killing me.”

His voice was wrecked. God, he sounded like he’d been crying for hours. Actually, it was what he sounded like in the mornings. Which meant, Sam realized with an awful feeling in his stomach, Gabriel had cried like this every night.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered sadly, running a few strands of Gabriel’s hair through his fingers comfortingly. “I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Gabriel snorted derisively. He slipped an arm over Sam’s waist as he spoke though, so the younger man let it go. At least Gabriel had stopped shaking so hard, only trembling slightly in Sam's grip.

“It’s easier said than done, kiddo. Do you go to Dean when you have nightmares bad enough to make you cry?” Gabriel sounded almost defensive, as if embarrassed.

With a grimace of understanding, Sam leant his head forward till his forehead rested on Gabriel’s. He didn’t want the angel to be embarrassed about something he understood so well but he knew talking about it wouldn’t change that. They stayed there for a little while, cuddling. One of Sam’s hands stroked gently down Gabriel’s back. Dean would have a ball with that if he were awake. He didn’t seem to realize how obvious his closet cuddliness was.

Gabriel chuckled a little, clearing his throat and sniffing a little. “He totally would be a cuddler.”

With a grin, Sam pressed his lips to Gabriel’s nose impulsively. He couldn’t even feel mad at Gabe for listening in. Although he knew it would get old pretty damn quick; give Gabriel an inch, and he’d take everything you had to give.

“I won’t take if you don’t give, Sammy.”

Raising an eyebrow at the tone of voice, Sam pulled back so he could focus on Gabriel’s expression in the dim light. With a start, he realised he’d hurt the angel with his fond thoughts. Gabriel’s mantra of ‘I’m not fragile’ was utter bullshit, and Sam knew it. Gabriel’s confidence had been broken violently, one twist of pain at a time. And Sam had been left to pick up the pieces. The knowledge that he could, and he wanted to, was still new and hidden back in Sam’s mind where Gabriel couldn’t see it, so Sam spoke quickly to reassure his angel.

“See Gabe, that’s why I don’t want you to listen. You don’t get the context like you would if I were talking to you.” He kissed the corner of Gabriel’s pout, nudging his nose against his cheek. “I’d give you everything perfectly willingly. You deserve to be happy.”

He didn’t realize how much he meant it until he said it. Gabriel had given everything for a bunch of humans and angels that either didn’t know he existed or didn’t trust him. Which was truly insulting, really, after all the archangel had done for them. Sure, Sam appreciated the angel for completely different reasons, but that didn’t give anyone an excuse not to be grateful for what he’d done. Gabriel tightened his arms around Sam, smiling softly, lips still trembling.

“You’re something, Winchester. I don’t know who the hell decided you’d be perfect for Luci’s vessel, but they’re clearly fucking stupid. You’re better than he could ever be. ”

They both fell silent for a while, listening to Dean breathing evenly in the next bed. It was kinda peaceful, Sam thought to himself. Wrapped around Gabriel, he could almost forget that he was meant to be evil. He could almost forget the near-apocalypse, with a little effort. He’d almost forgotten how good it felt to have someone curled up in his arms, how good it felt to be able to lean forward whenever he got the impulse and drop a kiss on Gabriel’s face. He did so, kissing Gabriel’s forehead gently,

“You know,” Gabriel said quietly after a while, “You could kiss me properly. I wouldn’t smite you or anything.”

Unable to help the laughter, Sam leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Gabriel’s smiling ones. He kept his eyes on Gabriel’s face as he kissed him, watching the contentedness wash over his angel. His angel. With another huff of laughter, Sam decided that he wasn’t going to psycho-analyse his possessive feelings for the angel any more. He’d just end up ruining whatever it was  that they had.

“And we don’t want that, do we?” Gabriel murmured against his lips.

They didn’t. They didn’t at all. Sam knew what he did want though, and it was to see more of that smile Gabriel had shown him before. He knew what he should do but it meant extracting himself from Gabriel’s arms. Gabriel seemed even less happy about that idea than Sam. He pulled away from the archangel anyway, shuffling backwards on the mattress and ignoring the pout he got in return. With one hand placed reassuringly on Gabriel’s shoulder, the hunter sat up and pushed the blanket all over to the angel. He adjusted his twisted boxers, wincing at the tightness on his leg.

Looking at Gabe, Sam fought a grin. A lock of hair had fallen into Gabriel’s eyes as he’d turned his head to keep his eyes on Sam. Gabe’s reaction was just to try and blow it out of his face, jutting his lower lip out to do so, eyes crossed in concentration. Adorable, he thought fondly. When Gabriel raised an eyebrow Sam just smiled unrepentantly. Sure, Gabriel could smite him. But he wouldn’t. Gabriel agreed softly, sitting up to press his lips to Sam’s again.

“I’m going to grab something to eat. Hungry?” Sam asked, quietly, knowing Gabriel would come with him anyway.

Of course Gabriel did. Rather than clinging to Sam like he did in company, however, he just held onto Sam’s hand gently and walked with him over to the small kitchen. Sam flicked on a light on his way, knowing Dean would sleep straight through it. Gabriel sat when Sam told him to, pulling out one of the chairs. In one of those random bursts of alertness Gabe had had in the first few weeks, he’d snapped up a bigger kitchen, a small table with four chairs appearing along with it. Afterwards he’d been ridiculously tired, and slept on Sam’s lap for hours, but it’d made life a lot easier. Sam opened a cupboard, finding what he was looking for and dumping it blindly on the table behind him.

“Candy?” Gabriel asked, amused.

Grabbing his last requirements for their late night eating- a case of beer from the tiny fridge- Sam turned and grinned.

“A nice balanced snack.”

Gabriel’s derisive snort was so much like the way he’d have reacted back when they’d first met that it twisted in Sam’s heart a little. He’d only had three weeks to actually learn anything about Gabriel; that much was true. But he could tell the difference between the man who curled up with him at night, spending hours alone in the dark, and the trickster or archangel he’d first met.

Plopping down in another chair Sam opened two beers. After passing one to Gabriel he grabbed some of the candy he’d found in the cupboard. It was actually disgustingly sweet, but it was how Gabriel liked it and Sam was kind of hungry. They sat in silence, drinking and eating sugary crap for a while, legs intertwined under the table. Sam was honestly just thinking about the terrible quality of the beer he was drinking and how strange it was that he was perfectly comfortable walking around in his boxer shorts with Gabriel. Even though the angel was dressed just the same, with any other man Sam knew he’d feel weird. Suddenly Gabriel leaned forward, elbows on the table and spoke. Sam instinctively leaned in, frowning a little at what he was hearing.

“Sammy, why are you taking care of me?” Gabe’s eyes were serious and troubled, as if he’d been mulling the question over for a long time. “I’ve killed more people than you’ve met in your lifetime, and I’ve been the cause of even more deaths. Not only that but I’m a traumatized archangel who can’t even shower by himself. What in Dad’s name was possessing you when you agreed to be my babysitter?”

Sam didn’t even need to think before blurting out, “Because you’re a good person. And you deserve a chance to show everyone.”

It wasn’t the answer Gabriel expected. His golden eyes went wide, before he hid the shock. Glancing down at the table he toyed with the beer bottle a little. The corners of his mouth trembled into a small frown.

“Not many people think that, Sammy. And they’re right not to.”

Sam reached forward, cupping Gabriel’s cheek with one hand and gently forcing him to make eye contact.

“You’re wrong.” The simple words made Gabriel flinch.

“How can you know that?” The angel countered harshly.

Sam didn’t reply with words. He just stood, walked around the table and leaned down to kiss Gabriel again. For the first time, it wasn’t just a simple press of his lips as Gabriel arched up to meet him. Their lips moved together in sync, a ridiculously un-awkward rhythm. Sam had one hand on the angel’s chest for balance, the other tangling in his soft hair. When they finally broke apart for Sam to breathe, Gabriel had tears in his eyes. Standing up straight, Sam kept his hand on Gabriel’s chest for a second.

“Bed.” The hunter said softly, offering a hand to help the angel up.

Gabriel accepted, holding onto it even as they both climbed under the blanket again. Sam reached out for the smaller man, smiling softly as he obliged and scooted closer. Sam started to speak, pressing a kiss to Gabriel’s lips between each sentence.

“You gave your life for people who’ve done nothing but cause you pain. You came back when we called, though you were probably in a far better place. You lost family in that fight, something a lot of people seem to be forgetting. You try to pretend that you’re indestructible but in reality, you need someone to take care of you and make sure you don’t get yourself killed again. And I want to be that person, Gabriel. I’m only human, but for God’s sake, I think I’ve gone and gotten attached to a damn archangel. I haven’t felt like this about anyone for a long time. And it hurts like all hell to see you in pain.”

He stopped talking when Gabriel left out a soft sob, sounding almost like a child. Sam kissed the tear tracks from his eyes down to the corner of his mouth. Last of all their lips met softly, just an innocent press together before Gabriel tucked his head into Sam’s chest. Lying there together, Sam whispered every reason he could think of, every small thing that proved to him that Gabriel was worth everything. It was only when Gabriel’s breathing evened out and his grip on Sam relaxed that Sam stopped talking.

Resting his chin on the angel’s head, Sam held him tight until he too drifted off.

 

Sam woke to the sound of Cas’ chuckling, telling Dean to be quiet and let them sleep. Cracking an eye open and squinting in the early morning sunlight through the curtains, he saw Dean with his phone out, taking a picture of the way Gabriel was tucked into Sam’s arms like a little kid. His brother’s eyes were crinkled in a fond smile, and Sam couldn’t begrudge his fun.

“Sleep well, Sammy?” Dean joked.

Sam smiled back, making a sleepy noise in agreement. He just smiled wider when Cas laughed outright. Stretching his neck to peer at the angel, Sam noted vaguely that the blanket he and Gabriel had slept under was tangled around one of his legs. When the belated observation actually processed, he went bright red, realizing that Castiel and his brother were laughing at how one of his legs was thrown over Gabriel’s, the other slipped between the smaller man’s calves. And they were both just in boxers. He reached down to yank the blanket up to cover them both, blushing furiously.

“Jerk,” he muttered half-heartedly.

His brother just laughed harder, almost doubled over.

“Bitch,” he smirked back, both of them taking pleasure in the old routine.

Castiel whacked him gently as he turned to Sam, smiling apologetically.

“I told him not to, but he assured me it was tradition.”

A loud laugh burst unexpectedly from Sam as he hid his face in Gabriel’s hair. Poor Cas had no hope, learning how to be human from their family.

“That it is,” he admitted cheerfully. “Now shut the fuck up and let me sleep. I had a late night.”

Ignoring Dean’s renewed fit of laughter Sam tucked the blanket up around the shoulders of his angel and went back to sleep.


	4. "Fixing a Hole"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a problem with Gabriel's grace, and the reason behind it hurts.

 

**_“We flirt with death everytime we etch a new tally mark_ **  
**_Into our skin_ **  
**_I know how to split my wrists to reveal a battlefield too_ **  
**_But the time has come for us to_ **  
**_Reclaim our bodies_ **  
**_Our bodies deserve more than to be war-torn and collateral_ **  
**_Offering this fuckdom as a pathetic means to say_ **  
**_"I only know how to exist when I'm wanted”_ **

Body Love – Mary Lambert

 

 

Dean raised his eyebrows, speaking with his mouth full.

“What do you mean he’s not doing any better?” He whispered incredulously, glancing warily at the sleeping lump under the blanket on Sam’s bed, before again gluing his eyes to Cas. “He’s talking to us and acting just as much of an asshole as he used to. And he’s showered without freaking out twice now!”

Castiel lowered his eyes, pain twisting his face into a grimace.

“Gabriel’s grace isn’t healing. He should be back at his former strength by now, yet…” He waved a dejected hand in the direction of the sleeping angel.

No more needed to be said. Dean tipped his whiskey back, draining the last of his glass. He guessed he could see what Cas meant; after all, Gabriel was still sleeping an awful lot. Using his grace at all seemed to knock him right out. Other than that, though, he couldn’t see what the angel did. Gabriel did seem fine. He was talking just like he had when they’d first met him and he was eating almost as much as Dean. Sam, sitting across the table with his head in his hands, finally looked up.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked quietly.

Dean had to look away from his little brother’s red rimmed eyes. Sam had been with Gabriel constantly, and it was he who had slipped out of the bed when the archangel had fallen asleep, and asked Cas what was wrong. Sam had noticed something was wrong even without Castiel’s angelic perception. And he was worried absolutely sick.

“He’s been getting really cold,” Sam added dejectedly. “He’s normally burning up to our standards.”

Castiel placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“It happens with the decrease of an angel’s wellbeing. His grace is injured, that is all. Balthazar used to be able to read a grace like a book. He can help. The only problem we’ll have is convincing him to help, after what I did. He might do it for Gabriel, though.”

Sam winced at Castiel’s matter of fact tone. When Gabriel had been returned, it was as though Kali had accidentally set off a chain reaction. Angels thought dead had turned up in various places around the world, shocked, traumatized, and with severely damaged grace. Balthazar had been one of the first, and despite knowing exactly why Cas had done what he had, he was remarkably pissed off.

“So getting him to help is going to be difficult, because of us.” Sam thought out loud, sighing dejectedly.

“To say the least,” Castiel muttered under his breath.

Dean hit his shoulder hard, nodding his head significantly in his little brother’s direction as soon as Cas turn his head. The angel just sighed, squeezed Sam’s shoulder one last time, and blinked out of existence.

 

It was two days before Cas came back with Balthazar’s location. They left straight away, Castiel in Sam’s usual place riding shotgun. Gabriel slept the whole way on Sam’s lap while Sam ached miserably in the back seat. It was a relief to stretch his legs when the younger Winchester could finally get out of the car. For fuck’s sake, he was not built to be crammed into a space that small! The archangel woke as Sam hauled him out of the backseat, huffing his hair out of his face and rubbing at his eyes tiredly. It was pitiful, pathetic, how childish he seemed. How broken. And for Sam, it was painful.

Gabriel sighed, standing as close as he could to Sam and staring at the ground wearily. He kept his hands bunched in the too long sleeves of Sam’s jacket, shivering slightly in the wind.

After knocking, Castiel turned away from the door and raised an eyebrow at his big brother, done with his not-so-silent dissent. “You need help, Gabriel; we’re getting it. And that’s final.” His tone brooked no argument, though that mean little to the other angel.

“I’m fine,” he protested for about the fifteenth time that morning. “It’s getting better; it’s not that bad at all.”

Sam rolled his eyes at him, slipping an arm around his shoulders and pulling Gabriel even further into his personal space. The archangel was still clinging to him whenever he felt uncomfortable and Sam knew he wasn’t exactly feeling safe, out in the open on the doorstep.

“So that’s why you can’t even snap up food without feeling too sick to eat it? And why you're currently so cold you're wearing my clothes?” he murmured in Gabe’s ear.

Gabriel stuck his tongue out at him, though he didn’t move away at all.

“And what did I do to deserve such a lovely visit?” A familiar voice pulled them away from each other, and they looked up to see Balthazar glaring at Cas. He was near naked, a soft looking, fluffy robe wrapped snug around him. With his hair mussed and sleep in his eyes he looked more human than they'd ever seen. Dean’s huff of surprise went unacknowledged, in favor of the continued hostile glare.

“We need your help,” Castiel admitted, looking him in the eyes.

Balthazar snorted and crossed his arms over his chest.

“And I feel so very obliged to help you, Cassie dearest,” he said sarcastically.

Cas’ sighed. His shoulders slumped, eyes locked on his brother’s. Kneeling suddenly in front of him, wearing a Sam-calibre bitchface, he spread his arms wide. Gabriel hissed, his face a mask of outrage. Even Sam knew that this, this submission, was close to blasphemous for Castiel. As an apology, it was one of the highest order for any angel. Castiel’s face wasn’t apologetic, however. It was angry, and 110% done with his brother’s bullshit.

“I beg your forgiveness for what I did Balthazar. My hubris cost you your life. I was desperate, but wrong. And I will make it up to you. But for Father’s sake,” Castiel said, standing rapidly and leaning forward with a thoroughly pissed-off expression, “I can’t right now, so stop being a dick, because Gabriel needs your help.”

Dean’s eyes went wide, mouth dropped open, and Sam knew his face must reflect the shock, too. The silence stretched long and awkward, the two angels staring each other down.

“Dean has done so much for your spark, kiddo.” Gabriel finally spoke.

Balthazar physically jolted, tearing his gaze from Castiel to where Gabe was clutching Sam’s side. His narrowed eyes quickly flitted from Gabriel’s clenched fist to the dark rings underneath his eyes and back again, his whole body seeming to tense. It was almost as if he hadn’t realized Gabriel was there, Sam thought suspiciously. Cas had been teaching Sam more about the finer points of grace. And if Balthazar couldn’t sense Gabriel, then something was seriously, seriously wrong.

“Gabriel,” Balthazar said carefully, “What have you done?”

He pushed Cas aside, making him stumble into Dean. Pulling Gabe’s chin up, blue eyes met tired gold. They just looked at each other for a long time, Sam standing uncomfortably beside Gabriel.

“What, the fuck, has happened to you, big brother?” Balthazar asked softly, almost kindly.

He paused, then stepped back to the safety of his doorstep, holding the door open.

“Gabriel only. I don't want you people in my house.” He glared at Castiel again. "You shouldn't even know where I am."

“Like hell,” Sam burst out. “I’m not leaving him alone with you.”

Balthazar stared at him for a few long seconds. He looked again at how close the younger Winchester was standing to his brother, before rolling his eyes.

“Of all the people to pick, Gabriel,” he sighed, almost fondly. “Fine. Gabriel and Little Winchester. Inside.”

He gestured for them to enter his home, absent-mindedly snapping himself into jeans and a button up while he was at it. Dean pulled at Sam’s shirt, though, to prevent him from walking into the house.  Gabriel, waiting patiently at Sam’s side, chuckled at the bitch face Sam sent his brother.

“Like hell I’m leaving Sammy with you,” Dean echoed.

Castiel took a step forward in tandem with him.

“Dean,” he sighed, hand on his shoulder. “Balthazar will not hurt Sam. Even if he wanted to, Gabriel would level California if he tried. Balthazar, and us along with him. Sam’s safety is guaranteed so long as he is with Gabriel.”

Dean stared at Castiel, torn between his urge to trust him and the urge to protect Sammy.

“Dean Winchester, I am not going to hurt your brother.” Balthazar growled finally. “You two get lost; go for a dinner date or something equally horrifying to your tastes.”

Everyone ignored Dean’s spluttering, Sam leading Gabriel inside and Castiel gently leading the older Winchester down the stairs.

“You do need to eat right now, Dean,” Sam heard Cas say blithely as the door closed.

Gabriel huffed a laugh.

“Clueless dope,” he muttered.

 

Balthazar’s home was luxurious, of course. The carpets were soft beneath Sam’s socked feet. Balthazar had pointedly made them take their shoes off, eyeing the mud crusted on Sam’s soles with distaste.

“Sit,” he ordered as he led them into the living room.

Gabriel eagerly tugged his Winchester towards a plush leather couch. He pushed Sam down, curling up beside him with a satisfied sigh. Balthazar sat across from them, curling his legs carefully beneath him. Watching Gabriel, his eyes seemed to glow a little, face blank. Gabriel watched him right back, a silent conversation passing back and forth.

“Winchester, would you mind getting Gabriel a drink? Kitchen is second door on the right.”

It was an order phrased as a question. Sam sighed, looking down at Gabriel and silently asking his permission. The soft smile and squeeze of his hand reassured him. With a grunt he detangled himself from the angel, heading into the hallway. He knew it was just polite; the angel’s getting him out of the room like they couldn’t just have a silent conversation over his head anyway. But it was still kind of scary. Sam had faced monsters, gods from barely-remembered mythologies, he’d faced fucking Satan, but watching Gabriel slowly fade was the most horrifying thing he could imagine. Ever. He wanted to know what the hell was happening.

Sam shrugged off his shiver, and padded down to the kitchen, curious as to what it would be like. It was just as luxurious as he’d thought it would be. Freaking Balthazar.

 

Walking carefully back along the hall, Sam could hear Balthazar's hushed voice quietly admonishing his brother. With a frown he paused, blatantly eavesdropping. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t switch to silent angel talk as soon as they heard him. They didn't hear him though, too wrapped up in their own conversation. The words he heard slowly ripped into his chest and tore out his lungs.

“Gabriel, for dad’s sake, you can’t just rip out little chunks of your grace! I don’t care how fucking guilty it made you feel to kill our brothers. You returned to life and saved our father’s creation, just to treat his gift to us like this! I didn’t even think it was possible to do what you're doing. He might have screwed up big time, but he's doing what he can. He's trying, sending us back. You think a being like Kali could actually bring you back, grace and all?”

“Don’t speak to me that way, brother,” Gabriel hissed. “It was not you that cradled Lucifer as he took his last breaths, nor was it you that left Michael broken and bloodied on the ground. I don’t want this ‘gift’ of grace; I don’t want any of it. I don’t _deserve_ it.”

Sam’s eyes filled with unshed tears, the carpet shimmering as he took a shuddery breath. He shook the ringing from his ears, listening to Balthazar’s placating take on a pleading tone.

“Brother, you won’t fall by doing this. It won’t take it away, you know that. You’re just cutting into yourself, killing yourself.”

A tear rolled down his cheek, hanging on his chin before dropping silently to the ground.

“Bal, I don’t care anymore. I’m too old for this. I just want it to be over. I didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want to kill my OWN BROTHERS.” His voice rose into a hoarse shout at the end of the sentence. It was the loudest he'd spoken since he'd returned.

Sam didn’t hear the whimper that escaped his throat, but the angels did. Gabriel was in front of him, catching the cup before the hunter even realized he’d dropped it. It was Sam that needed contact then, hands reaching out to cup Gabriel’s face, eyes searching the muddy pools in front of him. He vaguely registered that he was shaking violently, that the quiet gasping he could hear belonged to himself.

“Sam,” Balthazar said softly, “I need you to calm down. “I won’t be letting my brother do anything stupid. He’s going to be fine, we’re going to take care of him until he feels better, ok? You’re not going to lose him.”

It was the right thing to say, which meant that Balthazar had been interpreting his panicked thoughts. Sam just stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gabriel, curling the archangel into his chest and burying his face in his hair.

“You deserve everything that you didn’t get. The peace, the rest, everything. You didn’t deserve to be brought back only to be thrown into our fight, and I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered into Gabriel’s ear. “But you can’t leave me, you can’t leave me here.”

Gabriel shuddered, wrapping his arms around the hunter’s waist and squeezing until Sam could hardly breathe.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, shaking with sobs that Sam could feel through his whole body. “I’m sorry, Sammy."

Sam just wrapped his arms tighter around him, squeezing his eyes shut. He pressed his lips to the corner of Gabriel’s eye, tears wetting his lips. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered, that the angel’s tears were sweet, not salty. But the thought didn’t stay with him long as he whispered.

“Please, don’t hurt yourself Gabe. Please.”

 

By the time Castiel and Dean returned, Balthazar had been talking for fifteen minutes straight, softly explaining what Gabriel had been doing. He’d just finished explaining to both of them how Sam could help with recovery, when Cas knocked on the door.

“That’s your ride,” Balthazar said, shoulders stiffening.

He gave Sam his number, offering his advice whenever Sam needed. Wrapping his arms around his older brother, Balthazar took a deep breath. Looking up at Sam, where he stood with Gabriel’s hand clutched in his, he opened and closed his mouth once, choking on his words.

“Take care of him, Winchester.”

Sam nodded, opening the door slowly. Dean and Cas were waiting on the step, Dean sighing with relief when he saw Sam was safe. Turning, Sam stared at Balthazar.

“I will,” he promised again.

Stepping forward impulsively, he pulled him into a hug. Balthazar froze, swallowing hard before slowly closing his arms around the hunter. Letting go, Sam turned his back and walked Gabriel out to the car, ignoring the strange looks their brothers were giving him.

 

For once Sam was glad that Gabriel was constantly tired. For once the tapes Dean liked to play weren't irritating. And he didn't even notice how cramped it was. But the drive back was a long, silent form of hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. It was extremely painful, hard to write and I may have cried like a baby. A lot. So sorry if it's not that great, sorry for the pain, and I seriously promise that I'm going to give you a whole heap of fluff next chapter to make up for it, ok?


	5. "All My Loving"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabriel are alone and bored while their brothers hunt. Sugar is the answer, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I've bee held up with about a billion assignments and deadlines. Hope the chapter makes up for the wait!

**_Sugar, ah honey honey,_ **

**_You are my candy girl,_ **

**_And you've got me wanting you._ **

**_Honey, ah sugar sugar,_ **

**_You are my candy girl,_ **

**_And you got me wanting you._ **

“Sugar Sugar” – The Archies

 

Gabriel was bored. Sam was researching the suspicious deaths Dean and Cas were investigating, trying to find a pattern or some reason for the crazy murders. He’d been sitting there on the couch for hours, calling Dean twice to ask him to check leads. Both had fallen through. As nice a change as it was from the constant demonic activity they’d had to deal with, possible ghosts weren’t exciting at all.

And Gabriel was still bored. He couldn’t snap up something more interesting to watch than the shitty repeats of reality TV shows. He couldn’t eat, because he’d finished the candy stash Sam supplied over an hour before. And he was really, completely, fucking, BORED. He flopped backwards over the arm of the couch, staring up at the upside-down hunter.

“Sam,” Gabriel whined, drawing the name out several syllables. “Pay attention to me. I'm bored.”

Sam sighed, rolling his eyes. With a small smile, he reached forward and hauled the now-pouting angel onto his lap. Gabriel winced as his head hit the laptop, pushing it off to the side. Sam’s fingers tangled through his hair and drew a soft, satisfied purr from him, making Sam chuckle a little.

“You have the attention span of a squirrel,” he murmured softly. “I’ll be right with you, Gabe; I just need to follow up this last lead.”

Gabriel mumbled something unintelligible, rolling onto his side and stretching out along the couch, face buried in Sam’s stomach. Sam smiled fondly as he rubbed his thumb along Gabriel’s cheek.

“You’re like a little kitten,” he murmured.

Gabe cracked an eye open in disgust, staring balefully up at him. There was a long pause as Sam looked away and stared resolutely at the laptop screen, biting his lip to prevent a laugh.

"I'll turn you into a kitten,” Gabriel retorted lamely, ignoring the snicker it provoked.

It was another half an hour before Sam found what he was looking for. He called it in to Dean, reeling off the information even as he closed the laptop and put it aside. Finally done, he breathed a sigh of relief and stretched, arching back into the couch.

With a start and a snuffle, Gabriel woke, sitting dead upright. He raised a sleepy eyebrow at the stretching hunter.

"Done," Sam said cheerfully.

Gabriel just stared at him, blinking and yawning involuntarily.

"It's a regular salt and burn; Dean and Cas should be home in under 24 hours."

Gabriel nodded, rubbing at his eyes a little. He reached out, poking the hunter's shoulder.

"Chocolate?" he asked hopefully.

With a small laugh, Sam pulled him closer, planting a kiss on his nose. Nuzzling the angel, he made a soft noise of agreement.

"So long as we grab a pie or two, we can use one of Dean's cards," he grinned. "He and Cas can share that, and we can get as much candy as you want."

Gabriel's eyes lit up, a tentative smile gracing his face.

"As much as I want?"

Sam pulled him into a tight hug, warmth filling his chest. Gabriel had never looked so childishly pleased. It was as though nobody had ever done anything like it for him. Actually, he realized, they probably hadn't. Gabriel hadn't been with his family for a long time, and they... well, Sam thought sadly, the angels weren't exactly the 'apple-pie life' kind of family. Squeezing the archangel a little, his throat was almost as tight as the hug.

"Within reason, as much as you want, Gabriel.  Are you up for a trip to the supermarket?"

Gabriel sat back and winked devilishly.

"Winchester, there is sugar involved. Do you really need to ask?"

Sam laughed and stood, hauling the angel out of the chair with him. The supermarket it was.

 

Sam had made a big, big mistake. And Gabriel was taking complete and utter advantage of it. The hand-basket of candy in Gabriel's possession was slowly growing fuller. The two pies in Sam's hands seemed to mock him; to laugh at the horror on his face.  And Gabe's eyes were pleading with Sam, begging him not to renege on his promise.  As if this was a situation Sam was actually in.

"Alright." Sam sighed, kind of just done with the whole idea. "Just please Gabe, only one basket."

A little kid's jaw dropped as he walked past, eyes popping out of his skull. His mother stared, shaking her head slightly.

"One and a half?" The shorter man asked, puppy dog eyes gleaming up at Sam.

It almost worked, the liquid caramel speaking directly to the compassionate side of the taller man. He turned that side of him off, and said a firm no. Despite some of Dean's comments about who wore the pants, Sam was not a pushover.  Much.

"I'm a pro at those eyes, Gabriel. They aren't going to work on me. One basket.  We can't afford massive charges, ok?  Nothing draws attention like buying the entire store."

Gabriel pouted. "You said as much as I want!"

Sam rolled his eyes, waving his hands around at the long, colourful aisle. God, the angel was a childish idiot. His sweet tooth was worse than Dean’s penchant for the Magic Fingers in seedy hotels.

"Are you serious?” He asked with a bitchface to rival a pissed-off owl.

It wasn't working, he could tell. It was like reasoning with a five-year-old. So he tried the tactics he could remember Dean using on him, when they could afford it.

"I'll let you pick out a tub of ice cream if you can fit it in the basket without it overflowing at all," he bargained seriously.

Another customer snorted, eyes soft as she grabbed some gum and walked past. Sam abruptly remembered they were in public, a small shock running through him at how much he'd let his guard down. The way Gabriel had also relaxed meant it was not a bad thing. Gabriel stared at the customer, then back at Sam. Looking frantically at the already full basket, he hastily began to pack everything closer together. The hunter's shoulders shook with laughter as he watched the struggle, almost happy he'd found a place he could relax and take care of Gabriel. Ok, so the angel was childish as hell, but it was kind of cute.

"Done." Gabriel said proudly.

Sam slipped his arm around the angel's shoulders, chuckling softly. Praising Gabriel teasingly, they sauntered towards the frozen foods section. It took no time at all for Gabriel to pick out Snickers ice cream bars. Sam shook his head as it fit, just barely, into the basket.

"Alright, it's all yours," he said disbelievingly. “And nothing you can say will convince me you’re not fucking with me, because no way all that fit into there.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow as if to say “What are you going to do about it?” Sam just laughed incredulously. Pride was blooming in his heart as he balanced the pies on one hand and clutched Gabriel's hand in his other. The angel would be ok, he reasoned. He would get there. And everything would be ok.

 

"Sam?" Dean said loudly, shaking him by the shoulder. "What the hell, man?"

Sam blinked up at him hazily, twitching as Gabriel woke. They were spooned together and had fallen off the couch as they'd slept, lying on the floor surrounded by candy wrappers.

"Took him shopping. Tired him out."

Gabriel snorted derisively and shifted in Sam's grip.

"Shopping didn't tire me out, Winchester. The boredom did."

The effect of his cutting tone was completely ruined by his yawn, and unconscious snuggle back into Sam's chest. Dean chuckled a little, watching them with soft, sad eyes. He glanced at Cas, before turning away and setting his bag on his bed.

"Whole hunt was easy, just like the old days," he told Sam.

Dean filled them in on the hunt, grabbing a handful of bottles from the fridge and passing them around. He made a pleased exclamation at the pies, making Sam smile and whisper, “I told you so,” in Gabriel's ear.

 

Castiel was pleased. It was obvious that Gabriel was improving under Sam's care, despite the slow healing of his grace. He knew there was something Balthazar had shared with Sam that Castiel himself didn't know. But it was fine, so long as Sam was helping. And he was, Cas could see that. He saw the way Gabriel's grace shone a little brighter each time he returned from a hunt.

Unfortunately, he could also see Gabriel's feelings sinking lower with each second that his Grace was healing. But so could Sam. And Castiel knew the younger Winchester would take care of the archangel, better than any other could. It was Dean Winchester that worried Castiel. His recklessness was more of a danger to them than Gabriel's danger was.

Cas worried about the older hunter, sometimes.

 

Cas and Dean were off on another hunt, leaving Sam and Gabe to spend another week or so alone in the hotel. It was early, and Sam was tired as shit. The sun was shining through the window, blinding him as he tried to make pancakes. Gabriel was going to be hungry as hell when he woke up. That, and Sam was a sucker for the way his eyes lit up when Sam cooked for him.

Sam knew Castiel would pop by to check in on them about midday if Dean was all right to be left alone. He wondered how the angel's heavenly politics were going. Sometimes, in between hunts, Cas would get caught up mentally yelling at angels, and he'd space out completely. When he “woke,” he'd be left sitting tiredly with his head in his hands. After the third time, Dean began passing him a beer as soon as it happened.

It was a little sad, the way their life had turned out. Sam playing nurse to an archangel with slowly worsening PTSD, Dean chasing demons and acting as though he wasn't crushing on Cas like a teenage girl, and Cas popping in between both locations when he wasn't stuck in Heaven trying to organize angels who couldn't think for themselves.  Sam was just finishing the last touches on breakfast when Gabriel woke.

"Sammy?"

Sam heard Gabriel shuffle around in the bed, sitting up and staring over.

"Pancakes," he replied to the unasked question.

The angel immediately rushed to get up, throwing back the covers and standing up rapidly.

"You made pancakes." Gabriel said disbelievingly, rustling through Sam's bag and pulling out a hoodie.

With a noise of affirmation, Sam sat the plate on the table, plopping down on a chair with a sigh of relief. It was too early to have been awake for as long as he had, but Dean had rung and asked his advice on tracking the sons of bitches that had been leaving a trail of destruction and demonic signs behind them. At five in the fucking morning, that was. Sam had discovered the unpleasantness of being woken early after growing used to morning sleep-ins.

"How long have you been up, kiddo?" Gabriel asked, settling into his chair. He tilted his head to the side, watching Sam carefully. "Dean call?"

Sam sighed, nodded, and let his head fall onto his arms.

"He called at around five. They've been right behind the fuckers for three days, but they're always one step ahead. One step and several corpses, that is."

He couldn't stop the dejection from tainting his voice. The angel placed a gentle hand on his.

"You can't save everyone, Sammy. You know Dean's one of the best, and he has Cas. If they can't catch the demons, it's because they're good."

Sam rolled his head to the side, dull eyes meeting bright curiosity. Gabriel was one of the few angels that understood how incomprehensible human emotions and the reasons behind them could get. He squeezed Sam's hand gently.

"You want to be hunting," he said, unusual seriousness on his face. "It's just like before. You know Cas has got Dean's back, but you still want to be there."

"It's just that I could pick up on things that Dean doesn't," Sam blurted out, raising his head. His voice cracked as he desperately tried to get his point across. "If I were able to see everything properly, if I was there, maybe I could've-"

"Saved the people they've massacred before your brother could even get there?" Gabriel broke in, eyes hard. "Put your life on the line to maybe save one person?"

The hunter sighed, pulling his hand away and rubbing at the sleep in his eyes.

"I know, Gabe. It's just that I feel like..." His eyes were wild, pleading with Gabriel to see how he felt.

"I know, Sammy." Gabriel said softly. "You feel guilty. You feel like you've been on vacation, sitting at a hotel with an angel and nothing to do while people die."

Sam nodded, eyes misty. Gabriel sighed, frowning as he picked up the syrup and popped the lid absentmindedly.

"If Dean needs you, you hunt." He said simply. "You don't need to play nursemaid; I can always look after myself for a few days."

There was a long silence where Sam just stared at him. After a few seconds Gabriel looked away, unable to meet his eyes.

“Gabe.”  Sam murmured disbelievingly.

Gabriel refused to meet his eyes. He just drowned his pancakes in syrup. A lot of syrup.

“God, that’s unhealthy,” Sam muttered, looking a little queasy. He pulled himself together, shaking himself a little.

"Seriously though, Gabriel. I'm not leaving you by yourself. If I go, you come with me. Ok?"

Sam hadn't meant to say it, but he did mean it. Like everything he ever said around the angel, it seemed. It was torn from a part of his brain that didn't seem to need permission to speak.

"You- What?" Gabriel stared at him suspiciously, not quite believing his ears.

“It’s actually a good idea,” Sam said thoughtfully. “You’re doing pretty well, and you need a distraction from the boredom of being stuck here.”

Gabriel made a non-committal noise, still looking a little off.

"Are you sure you want me around on a hunt?" He asked warily.

Sam blurted his affirmation a little too quickly to be reassuring.

"There's no way in hell I'm leaving you," he exclaimed, almost insulted at the thought. Then, as his face scrunched up a little in concentration, he asked, "Are you wearing my hoodie again?"

Gabriel smiled weakly, blushing.

"I like wearing your clothes, they're warm and big," he muttered defensively.

"I... ok." Sam didn't really know what to say. He was genuinely stumped.

Gabriel grinned to himself, looking rather cheeky.

"I doubt it's the only thing that's big about you, Samsquatch.  Now did you actually cook all of these for me, or are you going to actually eat some of this?"

The hunter just grinned.

"Already ate mine, you took ages to wake up," he admitted.

Gabriel shrugged and attacked the rest.

Sam sighed contentedly, watching the angel eat. He mauled his food with more enthusiasm than he'd done anything with for weeks. His appetite was growing daily and his whole attitude was getting just as dickish as it used to be. Sam kind of thought he might be in love.

Gabriel froze, fork halfway to his mouth and stared. _Fuck_ , Sam's mind supplied in the back of his head. _Fucking fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, thanks for the patience of my amazing beta! Couldn't have kept this up without her!
> 
> Edit- I'm so sorry for the wait for the next chapter! I'm not giving up on this story, circumstance has just made it very hard for me to write! It is on it's way. At the moment however, I'm working on the second installation of the jävla berusad änglar series, which is turning out to be longer than I expected! Anyway, please don't give up on this story! It will certainly be updated as soon as I've got the next chapter written. Perhaps even before it's beta'd! Thank you for your patience, my darlings.


	6. “Cry Baby Cry”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam may have forgotten how frustrating being on a hunt could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took so long for this chapter! I started this fic while directly in the middle of a year long breakdown, and now that I'm finally getting my shit together, I've found more time to write! 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy it.

**** **_  
Always on the run._ **

**_A destiny,_ **

**_Towards the rising sun._ **

**_I was born six-gun in my hand,_ **

**_Behind a gun, I'll make my final stand.  
_ **

**_That's why they call me...  
_ **

**_Bad Company. I can't deny,  
_ **

**_Bad Company, until the day I die._ **

“Bad Company” - Bad Company

 

_“Are we going to pretend that didn’t happen?” Gabriel asked Sam carefully, slowly setting his fork on the table._

_He didn’t move, as if the slightest twitch would send Sam running for cover like a wounded bull. Or Dean. The archangel’s eyes were guarded, his reactions cautious and considered._

_“I don’t know,” Sam said honestly._

_His heart was still racing at a thousand miles an hour. This wasn’t meant to happen. He wasn’t meant to think that._

_“Do you_ want _me to pretend it didn’t happen?” Gabriel asked again._

_“I don’t know.”_

_Gabriel’s lip twitched up a little at the side, and huffed a small laugh out of his nose._

_“You don’t know much, eh Winchester,” he joked. It was nearly humourless, something old and strange looking out of the honey-gold eyes. “I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re going to need a while to think that over. And eat my pancakes.”_

_Gabriel turned straight back to his food, dismissing the issue, shoulders still a little tense, but face relaxed. Sam laughed, a little relieved, and perhaps a little disappointed. And they went on as if it hadn’t happened._

 

“Hey Cas,” Sam grinned as he walked out of the motel office, having just checked out.

“Hello Sam,” Castiel supplied with a soft smile. “Gabriel. I trust you are well?”

Gabriel winced, rolling his eyes.

“Lose the formality bro,” he suggested. “Nobody will smite you for letting loose here.”

Sam smacked his shoulder. The glare of the sun made Gabriel’s hair shine, and Sam ran the same hand through it absentmindedly. He was standing beside Gabriel, bag of clothes and weapons lying on his foot. Cas had ditched the suit and trench coat for once He was wearing a Metallica shirt and faded jeans, probably belonging to Dean, by the look of it. He looked about as comfortable in the outfit as Bobby had looked in a suit. Sam would’ve liked the story behind it, but also had the feeling he didn’t want to know.

“Leave him alone Gabriel,” he said with a fond sigh. “Dean already gives him enough shit.”

Castiel smiled at him suddenly, a bright grin that seemed more like Jimmy had than the angel himself.

“Are you ready to leave?” He asked, flicking his eyes over them and Sam’s bag. “Dean was getting impatient when I left; I believe he was waiting for you before eating.”

Sam rolled his eyes a little. Dean was attempting to be polite, something that rarely went well when it included food.

“We’re ready,” he confirmed. “Zap us over.”

 

God, Sam really hated angel travel. He still felt slightly queasy, and his head hurt like hell. The latter part was because Cas had miscalculated the arrival coordinates, and Sam had landed directly underneath a shelf in Dean’s motel room.

“I’m very sorry, Sam,” Cas apologised again over the table. “I misremembered the exact placing. I must have had my mind elsewhere.”

Cas didn’t look a single little bit sorry, eyes twinkling and a guilty smile on his face. Gabriel laughed a little, leaning sideways into Sam. The diner booth wasn’t that comfortable with four grown men in it, but Dean and Cas were sitting shoulder to shoulder as Dean inhaled his burger, and Sam and Gabriel had long since gotten over any personal space issues. The two humans were the only ones eating, though Gabriel would pick at Sam’s salad every now and then, a little distastefully.

“You’re going all “mud-monkey” on us, Cas,” Dean mumbled with his mouth full, rolling his eyes at the phrase he’d used. “Acting all human.”  He paused, with a small frown. “You’re not considering being human, are you?”

Cas shuddered, face screwing up in uncharacteristic distaste.

“I would rather not consider the possibility,” he admitted. “Being human is quite uncomfortable. And I imagine Raphael and Zachariah would anger someone if left together in Heaven too long.”

Sam snickered.

“It’s not that bad Cas,” he grinned, ignoring the last part of Cas’ speech. “We have sleep, food-”

“Sex,” Dean interrupted with a cheeky grin.

Sam kicked him under the table. His idiot brother had a one track mind. 

“So where have you seen the next lot of signs?” he asked curiously.

The good mood of the table instantly rolled over and died. Dean looked at him seriously, swallowing before he talked, for once.

“In a small town an hour or so from here. They’ve already stopped though. Moved on. Cas thinks they’re playing with us, they know we’re here. Problem is that they don’t stick around long enough for us to catch up.”

Dean’s hands were clenched tight, his eyes hard.

“I just want to end these fuckers, Sam. Cas found a little boy the other day. Torn up from the inside out.”

Sam pushed his plate away suddenly, not hungry.

“He’s not the only one. They left a fifteen year old girl all over her bedroom for her parents to find. Never seen anything like it, Sammy.”

The younger hunter stared at the table for a few seconds, rage sweeping over his face. He visibly forced it down, shaking with the suppressed fury. Gabriel leaned back into him, a comforting, solid presence. Sam felt warmth steal through him, seeping through the angry cracks in his mind, and he relaxed back into the seat, grateful for Gabriel’s help. He’d felt it before, the soothing touch of Gabriel’s grace in his mind, but he’d never brought it up. In fact, the only thing they talked about less than Gabriel’s grace healing was Sam’s accidental confession over breakfast. Gabriel had learnt the Winchester way of communication well.

By which Sam meant there _was_ no communication, unless it was need for sugar. 

“Sammy!” Dean said insistently, leaning forward over the table and knocking on Sam’s forehead. “You in there?”

Sam shook his thoughts away, and focused on his brother and the task at hand.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I need my laptop for this though. We’re going to catch these fuckers.”

Dean smiled darkly, sitting back and looking his brother up and down. He silently went back to his burger, not saying anything, but Sam could feel the pride seeping out of him. It felt good, good to be back with his brother, good to be hunting. It was where he belonged.

 

It was later, sitting at the desk in the motel with his legs crammed into the tiny space, that he remembered the shitty parts of being on the job. He was tired, cramped, and swearing under his breath at his laptop. There were no signs anywhere, and he couldn’t fucking find anywhere they’d logically go next.

“Found anything?” Dean asked, dragging a chair over to sit beside him.

Sam let his head fall into his hands in sheer frustration.

“No. There is absolutely no pattern here. They’re just picking random towns and playing before they move on. There is absolutely _nothing_ I can do here,” he spat through gritted teeth.

Dean winced. Castiel was out, having disappeared with absolutely no explanation as soon as they’d gotten to the motel. And Gabriel had been sprawled on Sam’s bed, face down and snoring quietly for about an hour. Dean hadd been drinking and watching a shitty sit-com, before he’d finally looked up and realized Sam was about to have a meltdown.

“Is there nothing? Are they just going along the highway, is there a zigzag or something?” Dean said, searching desperately through the maps and news reports Sam had open onscreen.

Sam sat back, glaring at his brother.  He had to force himself to keep his cool. With a deep breath he consciously relaxed his shoulders.

“There is nothing. They’re just fucking playing with us. Picking a random place, fucking shit up, and leaving.”

Dean looked him up and down seriously, not quite used to Sam swearing that much at once.

“Dude, you need to take a break. You’ve been sitting here for four hours. Let me have a look.”

Sam shook his head stubbornly. An unexpected hand cuffed him on the back of the head, however.

“Sam, move your ass to that bed and either drink or sleep,” Gabriel commanded, physically pulling the hunter out of his chair. Sam hadn’t even noticed him stop snoring. “For Dad’s sake, you Winchesters are stubborn idiots. Let me see this.”

He slid into Sam’s seat, ignoring the bitchface aimed his way.

“Do as I said,” Gabriel ordered sharply.

Sam grumbled as he turned away and obeyed. Much to Dean’s quiet amusement, Gabriel didn’t even spare the younger hunter a glance, staring instead at the points of demonic activity.

“Well that’s pointless,” he grumbled. “Give me two seconds.”

With a half distracted snap, he was gone, provoking a sigh from Sam. Dean turned smiling eyes onto his younger brother, snickering at the way he was sprawled all over the double bed.

“I could have found a pattern,” Sam mumbled grumpily.

“No you couldn’t,” Dean replied smugly.

Sam threw a pillow at his head just as Gabriel returned. His childish behavior was given an amused glance, but then Gabriel was back to business. Perhaps it was his boredom, perhaps the need to feel _useful,_ but he wasn’t joking around.

“They’re here,” he said, clicking a pin into a small dot on the map, several towns over. “Abandoned warehouse. Being careful not to leave any signs, which is why you haven’t found them yet.”

He picked up the pillow, walked back over to the bed, ignoring Dean’s impressed eyebrow raise, and flopped down onto his stomach. Sprawling all over Sam, he pulled the pillow up from where his arm was hanging off the bed, and plopped it on Sam’s face.

“Do you have to with the PDA?” Dean asked, only half joking.

All his emotional constipation got was a middle finger, and some excessive snuggling on Gabriel’s part. Ah, the life of the Winchesters.

“Are you alright?” Sam murmured quietly as Dean headed straight to the bathroom with a false disgusted sigh.

He shifted the pillow behind him absentmindedly. At least his brother had the decency to give them space. Sam was a little worried. Gabriel hated using his Grace, Sam knew that. It made him surly, and he’d curl straight back up into Sam as soon as he could, as if Sam held whatever thoughts he wanted to avoid at bay.

 “ ‘M fine,” Gabriel muttered into his chest. “Bit tired. Not meant to do that yet.”

Sam heard that as what it was, and his brow furrowed, but he said nothing. He tugged Gabriel up a little bit, so his face was mushed into Sam’s neck, not his chest, and stroked his back gently. Gabriel was trying to stop his grace from healing. He hated it being there, and as he grew warmer, he grew grumpier. Just the other morning he’d distractedly snapped himself up a bar of chocolate, and the look of utter self-loathing that had flickered on and off his face had almost made Sam sick. And then Gabriel had silently offered the candy to Sam, who’d took it without a word. Because bringing it up in conversation would only make it worse.

He didn’t understand how Gabriel could hate a part of himself that way. How he could hurt himself, use any excuse to hurt himself, because he didn’t want his grace back.

“Shut up, Sam, and go the fuck to sleep.” Gabriel muttered, arms tightening around Sam’s waist. “It’s too late for deep talking.”

Yeah, the mind reading thing was a pain. But probably a good thing. Overthinking was a pretty- 

“Shitty habit you have, and if you don’t shut up I’ll knock you out.”

Sam snorted. He probably would, too. And while Sam knew they’d both be uncomfortable in the morning, still fully dressed, he couldn’t be bothered dislodging the archangel to get undressed.

“Night,” he said instead, pressing his lips to Gabriel’s head.

Gabriel’s lips smiled against his neck, and there was silence. Their breathing slowed, and only the sounds of Dean taking an absurdly long shower, and Sam’s laptop whirring where it was still turned on were left. Home, Sam thought sleepily.

 

It was the next day, as they were packing up to head out, that Sam had the idea. He paused in putting away his laptop, pondering the thought for a few seconds before he nodded, and continued.

“Dean, I need to make a stop in town before we go, be back in ten minutes,” he said abruptly, not giving his brother room to say no.

He walked out the door practically before his brother managed a grunt of acknowledgement, and shut it softly behind him. Gabriel was in the shower, after insisting he could go alone, and if Sam walked quickly he estimated he’d be back before Gabriel was out of the bathroom.

He was wrong. He’d had problems with the sizes of what he was looking for, and after a long, awkward conversation with salesperson, he’d finally gotten what he needed. After 20 minutes. He was screwed.

The minute he walked through the door, Dean’s accusing eyes turned straight to him.

“He’s back,” he called, not breaking eye contact, and jerking his head significantly towards the bathroom, as if to say ‘this is your problem, _fix it._ ’

He probably was thinking something more along the lines of ‘I don’t know what to do and I can’t handle other people’s emotions because I’m an emotionally constipated dick,’ but it all meant the same thing. Sam had fucked up.

Shit. Sam dropped the bag, crossing the room in three strides.

“It’s me,” he said softly, not wanting to barge in and freak the archangel out.

The door cracked open, Gabriel peering out, eyes wide and red. He grabbed Sam’s hand, opening the door, yanking Sam into the room, and slamming it shut behind the hunter. Sam’s little noise of surprise was hidden by the sound of the closing door. Gabriel threw his arms around him. Sam leant down and wrapped his arms around the smaller body.

“I’m here now, I’m sorry,” he said into Gabriel’s hair.

Gabriel shuddered, pulling the hunter closer, if that was even possible.

“You left, and I didn’t know where you were, and I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t do it by myself, and I didn’t mean to but I did and I called out for you but you weren’t there,” he mumbled into Sam’s shirt.

Sam winced. He barely got what Gabriel was trying to say, he was damn near incoherent, shaking like a leaf in Sam’s arms. He shouldn’t have left. Surprising him wasn’t worth this. He walked them over to the toilet, slamming the lid shut and sitting down. Gabriel folded onto his lap with a thump, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his neck.

“You can’t leave me,” he whimpered, voice cracking. “Don’t leave me.”

Sam just nodded, eyes watery.

“I won’t leave you.” he promised. “I’ll always be here.”

Gabriel didn’t calm down for almost an hour. Sam’s whispers were just meaningless comforting babble, but it was the sound that Gabriel needed. Sam had left him alone, but he was back, he didn’t abandon Gabriel, he was there.  When the panic attack was over, his breathing slowing, breaths punctured by shuddering sobs, he was exhausted. Sam’s shoulders slumped as Gabriel fell asleep on his shoulder. Relapse.

It was something he knew well, and something he wished he didn’t’. Gabriel was cold, still shivering even as he curled closer to the Winchester. Sam wasn’t sure he even wanted to know how bad the damage was. He stood up slowly, trying not to wake the archangel, who was a dead weight in his arms.

Leaving the bathroom, he noticed Dean had already packed everything into the car, and was waiting for them. His brother looked up, face pale and tense.

“Is he ok?” he asked brusquely.

“Don’t know. Call Balthazar.” Sam replied.

His terse tone barely veiled the panic. The archangel was too cold. He was fucking shaking, passed out, and _not ok._ The hunter had to bite back a plea for Dean to hurry the fuck up as he searched for Sam’s phone in the duffel bag.

“Just _pray,_ ” he snarled, making his brother jump, before he obeyed.

The wary glances Dean was throwing at him weren’t helping him. Both were grateful when Balthazar landed in between them before Dean had finished saying the room number.

“What happened?” he snapped, walking straight towards Sam and laying his palm flat on his brother’s forehead. Then softer, he muttered, “Dad’s sake, Winchester, what did he _do_?”

Balthazar’s shocked silence lasted only a second, before he pushed Sam back onto the bed, forcing him to lay Gabriel down beside him. He only ran his hands over his brother’s face for a few more seconds, before letting out a sigh.

“Winchester, he needs to go home,” he said quietly. “Not now, because if he wakes up there, he’ll probably panic and accidentally end a timeline or two. But soon. There are healers there, people who can do a more permanent job than I.”

Well, shit. That wasn’t a conversation that would go well, Sam knew that. Balthazar sensed his doubt, and turned impatient eyes his way.

“He’ll die.” he said. “He’ll die in the most painful way possible for an angel. He’ll fall, bit by bit, piece by piece of grace being ripped out of his being until there is nothing left, unless he gets his _shit together, and fucking decides to stop this madness_.” His voice slowly became a shout, the angry words sending spit flying at Sam’s face.

“Enough,” Dean snarled from behind Balthazar. “Stop.”

The angel looked closer at Sam, seeming to ignore Dean completely. He was seeing what Dean had, the terror written in Sam’s eyes, keeping him silent.

“Sorry,” he murmured, quieter. “It’s true, Sam. He won’t just fall. Not the way he’s going about it. He’s going to die. He’s torn between falling, and staying, and it’s killing him. The pagan shit he’s pulled isn’t helping here, his grace hardly knows what it’s meant to fix, where it’s meant to fit.”

A little whimper slipped loose. Sam was pretty sure it was his, the way Dean winced at the sound.

“You need to make him choose,” Balthazar said simply. “To fall, or stay. If he doesn’t, he’ll kill himself.” 


	7. "I'm In Love"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel and Sam pretend that they're not smack bang in the middle of all their shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things- One, I now have a tumblr account for my fanfiction! oneoddkitteh, of course.  
> And two- I finally stopped procrastinating and wrote this! Have a chapter!

**_Truly, madly, deeply, I am_ **

**_Foolishly, completely fallen_ **

**_And somehow, you kicked all my walls in_ **

**_So baby, say you’ll always keep me_ **

**_Truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love with you_ **

**_In love with you_ **

“Truly Madly Deeply” – One Direction

 

“I’m going to get something greasy,” Dean muttered, turning away from the hushed argument he’d been having with Sam.

Sam gritted his teeth, but let it go. His brother wasn’t going to immediately be educated on sexuality as soon as the topic came up, and he wasn’t going to be willing to learn anything if Sam pissed him off or made him any more uncomfortable than he already was. But for god’s sake, if Dean asked him one more time about him ‘turning gay for that angel,’ Sam was going to break his brother’s fucking nose. Sam knew the concern was more about how hurt Sam was going to be if Gabriel died, how devastating the loss would be, but his brother _needed_ to learn to deal with emotions and feelings for once in his _goddamn life._ Sam didn’t voice any of his thoughts, shook them away angrily.

“Say hi to Cas for me,” he said instead, getting a small flicker of satisfaction at the guilty way Dean started.

His brother didn’t even deny that he was going to call Cas, just left. It was almost a relief. Dean sounded like their dad, when he talked like that. Gabriel woke to the sound of the Impala starting, and snuffled a little into his pillow, seemingly unwilling to get up.

“Sam?”

“Morning,” he called out distractedly, running a hand through his hair.

“Why are you out of bed?”

“Dean wanted to talk.”

Something in his tone must have warned Gabriel of his mood. The archangel sat up, looking at him curiously.

“What about?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Sam compromised, trying to put it off. Telling Gabriel about Dean’s concern would mean he’d have to talk about what Balthazar had said, about Gabriel’s potential return to Heaven. He really didn’t want to bring Balthazar’s words up, not while Gabriel seemed so well-rested and content.

Gabriel seemed curious, but gave a nod of acquiescence. It seemed he was too tired to take a peek at Sam’s thoughts. Perhaps it was almost a good thing. The archangel yawned as he padded over to the kitchen, brushing past Sam and heading straight to the fridge. He made a happy little noise as he pulled out leftover pancakes and a bottle of chocolate milk. Sam had given him such a gorgeous breakfast once, he’d begged for it again, and Sam always gave in.

“Wait,” Sam said, before Gabriel could sit down.

The hunter pulled off the hoodie he was wearing, handed it to Gabriel over the kitchen table. 

“It’ll keep you warm,” he shrugged. Gabriel had been freezing all night; the sunny day wouldn’t change that.

Gabriel made a noise of thanks, setting his breakfast down before taking off Sam’s other hoodie and slipping the new one on.

"It's yours," Sam mentioned offhandedly, taking a bite of toast. "Bought it for you. It was why I was out yesterday." There was a flicker of guilt in his eyes, a rogue thought that wondered if it was worth it, after Gabriel’s little breakdown.

Gabriel paused in pulling on the hoodie, his whole body freezing up.

"You didn't have to do that," he said, stunned.

He pulled it on fully, staring down at it for a few seconds, before looking back up at Sam with wide eyes.

Sam grinned back, laughing at the dawning wonder on the other man's face. Gabe's hands barely reached the ends of the sleeves, and he was absolutely swamped by the fabric of the hoodie. It was pure, unadulterated joy that slowly shone in Gabriel's eyes, and it was exactly why Sam had done it. Yes, he’d fucked up, but something good had come out of it.

"Yes I did," Sam shrugged. "You like wearing my clothes. So I got it and made it mine, for you. ’S why I wore it last night."

Sam didn't expect the angel to walk round the table and pull him out of his chair, yanking him roughly down for a kiss. Gabriel pushed him until his back hit the wall, using strength no ordinary human could possess and biting his lip hard. Sam returned the kiss hungrily, hands slipping under the hoodie and grabbing at Gabe's waist with a bruising grip. He was a little confused as to why Gabriel was attacking him, but he wasn't going to protest as Gabe pushed Sam's thighs open with his knee.

"I can smell you on it," Gabriel snarled against Sam's mouth. "I can smell you on it, Sam. Everything out there can smell you on it. It makes me yours, do you understand that?"

The low burn of possessiveness that had been aching in Sam's gut since Gabriel first confessed that he wanted to wear the hunter's clothing flared hot and needy in his stomach.

"Mine," he growled back, sweeping his tongue into Gabriel's mouth, tasting, claiming what was his.

Sam was hard, undeniably so. He could feel the angel's reciprocation against his thigh as Gabriel pushed their hips together in a grinding rhythm. The hunter's head fell forward, resting on Gabriel's shoulder. He ran his hands up and down the shorter man's sides, relishing the feel of Gabriel's body under his hands. All of it, his.

"You like that?" Gabriel asked him, almost mischievously. His hands slipped between them to palm Sam through his jeans. "You like me being yours, belonging to you? Is that what you want, Sam?"

Sam's hips bucked forward into Gabriel's, his head slamming back into the wall with a crack. The involuntary movement hit Gabriel just as hard, his legs buckling. He slid to his knees and gasped for breath. Sam's hands latched onto the hoodie and his shirt and almost pulled it over Gabriel's head before Gabriel squeezed his thigh, hard.

"No," Gabe protested, pulling it back. "Wanna wear it. Wanna be yours."

Sam let the top slide down, cupped Gabriel's cheeks and stroked his hair. The tender touch belied the heat burning in his eyes.

"You are," he promised huskily. "'M yours, too."

Gabriel grinned dangerously. His hands drifted from Sam's thighs to where the hunter's erection was straining against his jeans, stroking him gently through the material.

"You are mine," he said matter-of-factly. "You were from the moment you touched me, Sammy. Mine."

If Sam had been turned on by the thought of Gabriel being his, the possessive, predatory way Gabriel spoke was pure ecstasy. He tightened his grip on the angel's hair as Gabriel pressed a soft kiss to his zipper, thumbs rubbing slow circles on his inner thighs.

"You don't know how hard it was to let you walk away, Sam." He said softly, staring up with hazy, golden eyes. "You and that crazy brother of yours. I know I did so much wrong by you, and I'm sorry. I was trying to help, in a fucked-up kind of way. And at least you were safe, in the loop. But I will always be in your debt, for the pain I put you through."

Sam's smile had grown soft, his fingers tugging gently on Gabriel's hair to make him stop talking. He didn't want the apology, he wanted Gabriel to look as carefree as he had when he'd put on the sweatshirt.

"Don't apologize," he said gently. "You died for us, Gabriel. You came back, for us. Everything you've done, the pain you've put yourself through, has been for us. And that means everything. I forgave you long ago, for the loop, everything. It's ok. I just want you to be happy, for once in your existence, actually happy. I want to be the one who makes you happy."

There was a suspicious shimmer in the angel's eyes and he glanced at the ground, blinking rapidly. When he met Sam's gaze again, he was smiling his usual, playful smile. The emotion in his eyes was layered with lust, making Sam swallow hard.

"You're a special one, Samsquatch. Knew I chose the right Winchester."

Gabriel's fingers flew over Sam’s button and zipper, pulling the waistband of his boxers down along with his jeans in one quick go. Sam hissed as the angel freed his aching cock, leaving his pants to slip to his ankles. Gabriel's smirk just grew wider as the hunter closed his eyes in anticipation.

"So excited, for me," he murmured. "So perfect."

Sam couldn't help it, he threw his head back and laughed.

"You sound like a bad porn star," he giggled.

Gabriel winked up at him, hands holding Sam's hips firmly against the wall. His thumbs brushed teasingly close to where Sam wanted them, but never quite reached it.

"Don't know about a _bad_ porn star, Sammy. Maybe you'll have to check your facts."

Sam grinned down at him, arching into Gabriel's hands a little.

"Make me," he challenged.

Gabriel winked again, leaning closer and licking a stripe up Sam's length, breathing in the hunter's scent.

"You really want to say that to the archangel with a renowned oral fixation?" He murmured playfully.

Gabe didn't give Sam time to reply. He took the head of Sam's cock into his mouth, sucking experimentally. The slightly salty taste was heady, slightly bitter. He didn't waste time, swallowing Sam's cock down in one smooth motion. If it weren't for the hands pinning him to the wall, Sam's legs would have collapsed from under him, his legs suddenly weak and shaky. The surprised moan made Gabe laugh, and the vibrations were pure pleasure for Sam.

"God, so good, Gabriel."

Gabriel pulled off, a wry grimace pulling at his lips.

"Please, as flattered as I am, I'm not that powerful. Let's not bring my father into this while I'm sucking your dick."

Sam laughed, smirking down at him. Gabriel couldn’t help but giggle back. The sound was far from innocent, especially given his position. Suddenly, he froze, still staring up at Sam. Seconds later, Sam found out why.

"Shit! Sorry, Sam- _Gabriel_?"

Dean stood, mouth agape in the doorway, face screwed up in confusion.

"Oh God, I don't want to know. I'll get another room."

The door slammed hard. Sam's laughter filled the room, Gabriel's "Why can't you Winchesters keep my father out of this?" making him bend double with laughter. It was a few minutes before they calmed down, Sam's hands resting on Gabriel's shoulders and the angel's head bowed with laughter. Sam was nowhere near hard, as Gabriel had clearly noticed, pouting up at him.

"I think that killed the mood a little," Sam murmured apologetically.

Gabriel just grinned, letting the hunter slide down the wall and hit the floor. Sam leaned his head against the wall, kicking off his jeans and arching to pull up his boxers. Gabriel clambered closer, settling between his legs and resting his arms on Sam's knees.

"I don't blame you, Sammy. If Cassie walked in on me, I don't think I'd be able to keep it up either." Gabriel admitted with a huff of resignation. “As gorgeous as he is, I can’t picture him as anything but the fledgling I left behind.”

Sam chuckled a little, shaking his head with a little shudder.

"I mean, it's not that I couldn't, it might take a bit of effort," Sam said with a chuckle. "Dean isn't really what I'd like to picture as I'm getting my dick sucked.”

Gabriel smiled. It was softer, still lusty but full of love.

"Effort is something I can do. Bed time, Winchester."

The enthusiastic scramble for the bed was laughter-filled. Sam had known that sex with the archangel would be like this. It was fun, both of them laughing, full of love. It was easy. There was none of the fake 'manly' grunts from the other man, or porn-like moans from a girl. It was just Sam and Gabriel.

"Who else would it be?" Gabriel asked, throwing himself backwards onto the bed with his hands resting behind his head.

Sam crawled up to sit on the angel’s waist, legs either side.

"It's been a long time," he shrugged. He leaned down to brush his lips against Gabriel's, hoping his gratitude showed in his eyes. "I haven't really cared, not since..." he looked down, rolling his suddenly stinging eyes.

He hoped that the angel hadn't seen, but he had no such luck. Gabriel wasn't the type to miss things like that.

"Sam Winchester does cry his way through sex?" Gabriel's joking was oddly comforting.

He gave Sam a knowing, sad look, and pulled him down to a kiss.

"S'ok Sammy. I'm yours, now. To care for, to feed, to do all sorts of dirty things to, I'm yours." His serious tone had slowly degenerated into a grin, Sam shaking his head above him.

"You're a dick, Gabriel."

Gabe smirked.

"I suck, don't I?" he agreed conversationally. "The question is, do you?"

Sam's head fell onto Gabriel's stomach as he collapsed into laughter. He couldn't believe it. It was fucking terrible, an absolutely awful joke, and he loved it. It was the kind of terrible pun Dean would make, the kind that made you die a little inside. It was filled with all the affection that Dean normally reserved for life and death circumstances, however, and because it was Gabriel, it made all the difference in the world.

“You’re terrible,” he grumbled, tugging at Gabriel’s pants with a sigh. “That’s absolutely terrible.”

Gabe just smirked, settling down and ignoring Sam’s efforts at removing his pants.

“Suck it up, princess,” he cracked with an immature giggle.

“I can’t,” Sam grumbled. “Let me take your damn pants off!”

Gabriel lazily clicked his fingers, grinning back at Sam. The hunter looked down at their sudden nakedness with a blink, shrugged, and took advantage of it. Sometimes even a Winchester knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Well, it wasn’t so much a horse, but- Yeah, Sam thought, mid blowjob, he might have to talk to Gabriel about his time as Loki, actually. 

“Nope, not bringing that up, ever,” Gabriel said cheerfully. “Especially not when we’re having sex, Sam. Now fucking concentrate, you weird nerd.”

 

If the contented groan from the angel was any pointer, Sam hadn’t done too badly. He lay, panting beside Gabriel, thighs still trembling. His whole body was alight with sensation, even the sheets beneath him a little too much for his brain. His head flopped to the side, greedily taking in Gabriel’s debauched appearance. His just-too-long hair was messy and tangled. His eyes were the color of sunlight through whiskey, his lips plump and bruised and ridiculously kissable.

“I do,” Sam said decisively.

Gabriel turned to face him, eyebrows up, amused.

“I might need a little clarification there, sweet-cheeks,” he said, sarcasm ruined by the fond smile he couldn’t seem to hide. 

Sam rolled his eyes a little, but humored the archangel.

“I do love you,” he said. He turned his eyes back to the ceiling, stared at it until his eyes blurred. “I love you far more than is particularly healthy, and I’m not even sure if you love me. I know you care, and that’s enough, really. But you’re going to have to stay alive, Gabriel, because I can’t do this without you.”

Gabriel was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Sam kept his eyes on the ceiling, more because he wasn’t sure what he’d see on Gabriel’s face. Finally, finally the angel just rolled over, faceplanting into Sam’s chest.

“We’re so fucked, kid,” he muttered. “We’re absolutely fucked.”

Sam made a noise of agreement, running his fingers through Gabriel’s hair, gently working the knots out. His arms wrapped around Sam’s waist, and he seemed sleepy, worn out.

“Sleep it off,” Sam whispered affectionately. “Shouldn’t have used your grace, Gabriel. Need to rest.”

Gabriel grumbled a little, but it wasn’t just him that was asleep when Dean walked in a few hours later. He had to smile, his little brother and the archangel thankfully under a blanket, curled up together. Dean just hoped beyond all hope, that Gabriel would choose to stay, because he wasn’t sure he could pick his brother up again.


	8. "Crying, Waiting, Hoping"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are running high, Dean and Gabriel employ their tried and tested coping method of being assholes, and Sam is way too old for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yo, sorry for the wait, but my lovely beta was occupied with an absolutely wonderful Destiel fic. Enjoy some good ol' angst!

**I went to all the stages**

**And to the St John's stand**

**The man said, "you just missed her, stay**

**Maybe she'll come back again"**

“Sarah” – Kate Miller-Heidke

 

This was not going the way Sam had planned. Gabriel wasn’t talking to him, Cas wasn’t talking to Dean, and Dean wasn’t talking to Gabriel _or_ Sam. Apparently it was Sam’s ‘goddamn fault that your boyfriend is in a pissy mood. If you’d have told him this shit _before_ you had loud traumatizing sex, he at least would’ve taken it out on _you._ ’

And all of this before ten in the morning. God, Sam needed a coffee. He’d attempted to tell Gabriel about what Balthazar had said. The very mention of Gabriel’s predicament, or his self-hate, or his need to get his ass to heaven before he died on Sam, made him shut right down. He’d sulked in silence in the bathroom until Dean started complaining audibly in the kitchen.

Ten minutes later, Sam was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed with his head in his hands. Dean and Gabriel were shouting at each other at full volume. Dean’s showers were not to be fucked with- and apparently worms instead of water was a pretty big ‘fucked with’ sign. It’d ended with Gabriel storming out the door and waiting for them in the Impala. Castiel had turned big hurt eyes on Dean, who’d snapped something, rude and hurtful, and within twenty minutes Sam was the only one in their little hunting party that wasn’t indescribably pissed off.

By the time they’d arrived at the town of the demon-nest, Sam had a headache to rival the ones that had accompanied his visions. Dean’s god-awful ‘I just had a fight with my boyfriend’ music had been at full volume the whole drive. Shit, if Sam didn’t get to tear some demons apart, he’d tear _Dean_ apart. Cas had sat in the back next to Gabriel, back straight and face hard. Gabriel had stayed slouched against the side-door, face mirroring his brother’s. Sulky angels- how charming, Sam thought to himself. It wasn’t until they were loaded up with holy water and shotguns, that Sam finally snapped. He wasn’t going into that warehouse with Gabriel not even looking at him. If something happened – not that it would – Sam wasn’t gonna let ‘just fucking drop it, Sam’ be the last words Gabriel had said to him.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he sighed. “We’re grown-ass men, this is ridiculous.”

He dropped everything he was holding, pulled a hard-faced Gabriel towards him, and attacked the archangel with his mouth. Gabriel was unresponsive for all of two seconds, before his hands came up to clutch Sam’s shirt and he kissed back like it was a war.

“I love you,” Sam said once they'd pulled apart. “I’m sorry.”

Gabriel stared at him for a few seconds, and nodded quietly.

“We can talk about it after,” he said.

“Are you two still kissing and making up, or can we get on with the job?” Dean said from somewhere behind them.

There was a thump, and when Sam turned around his brother’s bitch face at Cas was impressive. For once Dean said nothing. He just turned and started walking to the warehouse door. Cas glared at his back, slipping his blade out of his sleeve. After they killed the demons causing all the mayhem, Sam would put fifty dollars on Dean getting the shit beat out of him again. At least, Sam thought, following them to the door, nothing more could go epically wrong. It was only a few bitchy demons- nothing really dangerous, with Cas on site. The scariest thing of the morning was going to be Dean’s mood.

 

Sam hated being wrong.

“You left the knife in the fucking warehouse?” Dean yelled at him, sounding as incredulous as he was breathless. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I’d like to see you keep your grip on a knife when you’re being tossed around like a ragdoll,” Sam replied loudly.

Being quiet didn’t really matter, seeing as the croats could apparently smell them anyway. The demons were just letting their new pets do the work, playing with the hunters before they decided to actually kill them. All the running was doing, was giving them a little extra time. Dean turned a corner, avoiding the alley’s abrupt dead-end, and suddenly both of them were back out in open space. Very crowded open space.

“Oh come on,” Sam groaned.

They were faced with what seemed like a mob of croats. Dean and Sam turned and ran the other way. Dean’s shotgun wouldn’t do shit against so many of them. The other end of the road didn’t seem to be much better- there was a cluster of the zombie-esque monsters, and Sam could just make out a struggle happening. There was a flash of light, and the group dropped, revealing Castiel and Gabriel in the middle, covered in blood and looking mildly annoyed.

“Where were you?” Gabriel yelled at Sam. “You just disappeared!”

“Well sorry, I was a little busy running from my life after I got thrown out of a window,” Sam said grumpily. “Y’know, I’ll try harder to fucking fly or something next time.”

Dean's shotgun went off in his ear, aimed at something behind him, and Sam was suddenly too occupied losing hearing for a few seconds to listen to Gabriel’s snarky reply. He clasped a hand to his ear, wincing and hoping to god that his eardrum wasn’t fucked up again. It’d been too long since he’d been on the job- he was out of practice.

“Sam!” Gabriel called out several octaves higher than normal, and very suddenly there was a flash of white, white light.

He was lying on the ground, he could feel it at his back, hear a worried litany of his name in his ear.

“Gabriel?” he asked, reaching out blindly for the archangel. “Gabriel!” A hand clutched his, and he could _feel_ Gabriel’s sigh of relief.

“You’ll be able to see in just a second,” Gabriel told him. “There’s no threat. Croats and demons are toasted. Demons had something they shouldn’t have though. Cas and Dean are just a little way ahead. Cas needs help. C’mon, hop up, Sasquatch.”

Gabriel reassuring Sam was… new. As shapes and colours started fading back into view, Sam let Gabriel pull him up and tug him along in a jog. He could just see the outline of their brothers ahead, low on the ground. He’d opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but stopped, because he could see. Cas lay on the ground, Dean beside him with his hands pressed to Castiel’s gut. No.

Sam couldn’t breathe. A bullet shouldn’t have taken Castiel out. He could hear Dean cussing loudly. Gabriel reached their side, and holy god, Sam could see the grace shining from underneath Dean’s hands. Like in a shitty movie that took Murphy’s Law slightly too literally, Sam tripped and hit the ground face first. He pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the stinging on the right side of his face.

Gabriel was kneeling by Cas, face screwed up in pain. He’d pushed Dean’s hands out of the way and held his own over what Sam could now see was a gaping hole in Cas' stomach. A really shiny hole. Cas was out to it, seemingly having already lost consciousness. His chest rose and fell in quick, shallow gasps, unfit for someone who barely remembered to breathe.

“Cas, c’mon man, you can’t do this to me,” Dean was pleading, hands clutching at the trenchcoat.

He was leaving bloodied hand prints, Sam noticed a little hysterically. Gabriel was shaking like a leaf. Sam was frozen, staring at them all like he was shell-shocked. This couldn’t be happening.

“Sam,” Gabriel exhaled shakily. “Sam, I can’t fix it. _Sam._ ”

Dean turned on Gabriel before Sam had even registered the impossible words.

“Don’t tell me you can’t fix it,” he snarled. “For god’s sake you’re an archangel, you’re one of the most goddamn powerful things there is, _fix him!”_

Dean was trembling too.

“I can’t,” Gabriel said loudly. “This bullet is made from an angel blade, Dean. I'm powered down, nearly completely. I can’t fix it, I don’t know how to fix it; the only people who could are upstairs, ok?”

Dean stared at him, waiting for it to click. Click it did. Gabriel’s face hardened, softened when he looked back at Cas, tore itself apart in indecision.

"Sam.” His eyes pleaded with Sam to make the decision for him. Begged.

Sam couldn’t say anything. He knew he looked a mess, standing a few feet away from them, face covered in something too sticky not to be blood, covered in dirt from the garbage bin he’d landed in earlier.

“Cas,” he finally said, beseeching.

Cas was his brother- Dean’s best friend, _Gabriel’s brother._ Without Cas, ‘Team Free Will’ would have a gaping hole that he could barely even begin to imagine.

Gabriel flinched. He stared at Cas, eyes filling with water. Sam blinked, and the angels were gone. Dean swore loudly, and thumped his fist into the ground, screwing his face up in his ‘Cas is hurt’ expression.

 

That night neither of them slept. Dean paced back and forth for hours before he settled in front of the TV with a bottle of whiskey. Sam tried to do some research into the croat virus, but the internet had fuck all on the subject, except what they already knew. He finally grabbed a beer and sat beside his brother, twisting the bottle in his grip over and over. Dean finally passed out around seven in the morning. Sam went back to the computer, and looked for another hunt. The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach kept trying to bring the beer back up. Cas was hurt. Gabriel was gone. Sam wanted to puke.

"Stop." Sam said, turning glaring eyes on his brother.

It'd been two days, and Gabriel and Castiel weren't back. Dean was pining, drinking himself into a stupor, passing out, and starting again. Sam couldn't fucking take it anymore.

Dean raised an eyebrow over his hard, hard eyes.

"You want to be passed out when Cas gets back?" Sam prodded his brother.

Dean took another swig and looked away. When he didn't reply, Sam snatched away the bottle of whiskey angrily.

"For god's sake, you're going to get alcohol poisoning, Dean," he snapped.

Dean 's mouth thinned into a hard line.

"Give it back or I go to the bar," he said.

He sounded like John in one of his fits, cold and lost. So Sam did what he'd always wanted to do to his father. He knocked his brother out cold, hauled him onto the bed, and hid the whiskey.

The sick tensing of Sam's stomach didn't loosen but his headache felt a little better.


End file.
